I feel trapped,

Let me out but I don’t want to run. I can’t leave because I will run back.

Can I ever have what I want? Can I ever know what I want?

Leave me be. I have trapped myself in a life without knowing where I am going. I know I will regret it if I leave now.

Who do I want to be?

No matter what I do, I don’t feel I am me. I am chasing one ideal or another, I am chasing lives, I am walking after pictures. I am running after my past, ever fleeting memories, better than before.

No one will tell me who to be, not myself. I will be nothing before I am who you want me to be.

I want to be someone who can think clearly, who has ideas and thoughts that are not a complete waste.

Days of meaningless experiences, never reaching the ideal. Always striving never satisfied, tomorrow I will be dead and on to something of meaning, maybe?

If only I could see into reality for a moment. My only experience with god, my hours of peace, feel a lifetime ago, but still imprinted.

Am I to reach that?

Am I to find that peace and live in it until I die?

Why do I want to be closer to the darkness?

Come with your psychological explanations, and post clarity, tell me why I feel this way.

You can explain all you want, but it doesn’t change anything. The magnetism is there, take me to misery.

But am I brave enough to live my dream? Is it bravery or hate? Can I outsmart my biology to face the dark?

I want peace. Almost certainly I am an idiot.