I am beginning to understand the consequences of events in my childhood, but I am resistant to become a victim to it.

Why does so much of what I say when read back later lack the emotion so vividly felt when first written. This causes me regret and embarrassment.

In the right moment and headspace words can have immense power and in other context, none at all. Regardless of intellectual understanding. Why do certain situations with others feel immensely powerful and meaningful while I fail to feel the connection, such as an extended hug with a family member?

How do we develop the ability to feel the emotions and meaning of meaningful words? How do we move to the place needed to feel such things?

Does all emotional understanding root itself in empathy?

Why does music take us to a world of understanding difficult or impossible to reach without it?

What is the purpose of feeling at such depth? A blue sky in a summer evening is enough for tears, let alone the reflection past mistakes or damage done to innocence by the hand with no thought of, or course of action for correction.

I am incapable of understanding the depths of my emotional world at the current time. Someday I will be able to see into this world with a new found clarity, by technological development or death.

I have so much haze that can not be formulated in a way of conveying the feeling. Even to convey the ideas or thesis is unreachable. I am lost in a sea of inability and trapped by nurture and ego.

But I feel the light exists, I have felt it and will again. I have also seen how that light can be turned off. I have seen the extreme of inability and I am prone myself to fall away.

I hate the light for offering a convincing solution in a meaningless world. Reflection is covered in the darkness of the inability to understand. The feeling of understanding and emotion in the moment are quickly disguised by the veil of embarrassment, doubt, forgetfulness, and disconnect.

Like a dream quickly forgotten.